I wake in the middle of the night with my mind racing. I go over and over things I am going to say, things I am going to do and asses I am definitely going to kick. I am surprisingly aggressive in the middle of the night.
I hate getting caught in that loop. It means no sleep for hrs and hrs on end. I am not doing productive thinking. I am reaching no real solutions and each time I look at the clock I get even more frustrated seeing how much time I have wasted when I should have been sleeping. It is by no means an every night occurance but it is draining.
I came across an app a last week, relaxing sounds. They are seasonal and quite a number of them were sounds I really do find relaxing. I downloaded it and forgot all about it until last night.
Yesterday was nothing unusual but there was one thing that happened that annoyed me, I didn't think to any great degree until 3:30 this morning.
I woke in fighting mode. I KNEW what I was going to say yadda, yadda, yadda. I tossed and turned for half an hr. Then it occurred to me try the app.
I tried the first one, sounds of the forest at night. It was perfect but I kept waiting for a loon to call out and it never did.
NEXT!
This one was sure to work. Dock sounds. Waves gently lapping at the shore and a boat bumping quietly against the dock. Not a chance.Too rhythmic. Onto the next one.
Rain. Yup just rain. The timer was set for 30 mins.
The incessant loop of ridiculous thoughts was scattered. Good thing. Less frequent tho happy thoughts replaced them with a lot of quiet in between. Even better thing. Then there was no thinking at all.
I heard it stop after 30 mins but I didn't care. I was mostly asleep.
I never thought I was susceptible to the power of suggestion nor did I want to be but in this case I was glad that I am.
There is an app for that,
ju

I haven't shared much of a truly personal nature here in a long time. I used to love blogging and reading blogs and I honestly don't remember when that changed but this is a part of the site I rarely visit anymore. I have stuck a few things in this space of mine randomly and equally as randomly I look at the latest blogs.
I am back here because... well I don't know where else to go with it. Everything is so interconnected these days and silly as it sounds and it will sound even sillier once I have said what I came here to say I didn't want to share it with some of those that are closest to me. We shared it for real and I just need a place to process it.
Now that I have scared the crap out of some of you it is nothing but everything.
Many of you know I have a disabled child and those of you that didn't you do now.
I have been stressing huge, not sleeping. desperately trying to figure out how I was going to do Christmas this year. My income has dropped drastically with child tax credits etc being no longer available and yet I still have this adult (18 year old) child who believes in Santa. How the hell was I going to manage a magical Christmas this year? I knew I couldn't.
I do not know what prompted him today but he brought Christmas up and was questioning me. I didn't want to destroy the magic that Christmas is for him but at the same time wondered why he was asking.
He was pushing me and I was pushing back. Is Santa real? Do you think he is?
He said with a smile I don't think so and his face was not sad in fact he looked incredibly happy. Did you buy me this? Where? And this? and back over all of the Christmas's
It is funny eh. He may be challenged mentally and physically but he is very aware of what goes on around him. He can tell what the weather is going to be by the sounds the planes flying overhead make.
He wasn't sad to find out Santa isn't real. He look thrilled to find out it was me. I Get it.
I was able to tell him that Christmas will always be magical but I couldn't do it the way I have in the past.
Lil fucker then said can you get me a ...
It will cost me $20 and we are both looking forward to all of our fave shows and traditions.
Stress is off this Momma!
Thanks for listening to my rambling
ju

Autumn. Harvest.
Thanksgiving is just over a week away celebrating a bountiful harvest and my freezer is looking bountiful indeed.
Vegetable beef soup, minestrone and in the crock pot now a beef barley. Still to come French onion and pea soup. The turkey will give me the broth to make even more soups and stews.
This is my favourite time of year. Clean cooler air. Stunningly beautiful blue skies. The trees will give us a show of colour they have been hiding all summer and then the leaves will rain down creating a crunchy, earthy smelling path where ever we walk.
I always thing of fall as being calm and cosy. Time to snuggle. Time for bonfires. Time to breathe.
Content,
ju

Unusual because I generally start going to the cottage and or camping early in the spring and it carries on through the summer and well into fall. That didn't happen this year. Sure I got to Chicago but I need to be near trees and water and have a good fire to really feel at peace.
Friday was the night. We were invited up to a friends place and had a blast.
Ahhh the serenity.



ju

and that is about all I want to say about that.
fingers crossed next week is better.
ju

People would stop trying to convince me the beach is the ultimate place to be. I don't do sun. I am not a fan of sand and I really hate even just the smell of salt water never mind the feel of it.
Appreciate paradise isn't the same for all of us. You would probably hate my favorite places on the planet. Woods, fresh water. Rocks not sand. Cold nights.
I don't force that on anyone so WHY do people feel the need to force their beaches on me?
Beauty as with everything is in the eye of the beholder.
ju

to post some pics from my trip. Rather than some I decided on one. You get to play where's ju. I am in the pic and to make it easier to find me I will tell you I have my arm up.
I was at the "bean" in Millennium Park, Chicago.
Have fun

I am home and while there is no place like home and I am happy to be back in my own environment it is always bittersweet to be home after being away. Immediately what was anticipated and thoroughly enjoyed becomes a memory. A fabulous one for sure but it is always surprising to me how quickly an experience becomes a memory when the mundane catches up. My first chores tomorrow are laundry, groceries, bank.
I think I have premature nostalgia.
ju

Nah that's a lie it's a prop plane on a regional carrier but I will be going home tomorrow.
I have had a blast and have to thank my host 2knude. As always we have had a great time. Usually on my turf. This time on yours. I couldn't have asked for a better host.
Iggy, what can I say it was pure pleasure.
Lenny, our hugs still resonate with me.
Hp I am sad we didn't get a chance, circumstances are what they are.
Fierce. We will meet. Please heal fast.
I am flying home but taking many fond memories with me.
Wish me safe travels and I will see you all on the flip side,
ju

and have been since Friday which was to say the least a fuck of a long day. It started with a bus at 7:43 am. From there it was a train ride, a shuttle bus, a ferry and a plane before I got in a car, got slightly lost did some shopping, went to a parade had a bit of a party and then finally crashed well after midnight my time. The party was impromtu but a hell of a lot of fun, I have made a few new friends in this part of the world
Today was slightly lazier than planned but that was ok because I needed my strength to walk the 6 miles give or take it took to see this beautiful but mind bogglingly busy city. People really need to fuck off while I am sight seeing.
We had dinner and walked some more and then headed to the bar we were going to meet up with another NNer. When we finally connected I got a fabulous smooch. The really funny bit happened when we went out for a smoke. A bachloreete party was going on and they were doing a treasure hunt with some pretty funny items they had to collect. Those women would make perfect NNers they were out going and just having a great time but because of them I found myself suddenly engaged. One of them needed to take a vid of themselves smacking a guys ass and because we were together they asked if we were married, "nope but we are engaged." he replied so another said "I don't suppose you have a condom?" I allowed her to smack his ass which got the both of us hugged.
The real highlight of my day was finding the perfect gift for K2. I sent him a pic and to quote "I am so excited!" was the reply.
Tomorrow is going to be a much needed relaxation day, Just a few things to see and do and a bbq for dinner, buncha beers on my part anyway and a call to another friend I cannot wait to finally meet in person.
I really am having a blast and will now stop typing so 2k can actually get some sleep without me hammering away on his keyboard.
One last beer on the porch sounds like a plan.
ju